overdue post.

just to let you know, there are many overdue posts here. they may never appear outside my head. it's warm and cosy there, like in a warm bed on a wintery morning and they don't want to get up for anything in the world, even their own existence

we have a clock in the kitchen which is a lot like me. it's a clay plate with sunflowers, orange, green, brown and unpretencious. but the hour hand breaks every day when it reaches 12. it hangs down from the centre (no escaping gravity), so however many times the minute hand goes around, it's always 6.

i should have gotten up at 6. i should have seen the snow before anyone walks on it with muddy feet.
but i can't tell which makes me more angry and sad today - missing the train to caving this morning or the week's worth of unfinished work on the table. and the tv, blasting badly translated shows which i handed in late this time last year. so much for learning from mistakes and annual recaps.

there's just this growing gap between me hoping and planning and me doing and being anything on time and in the right place. it makes my throat hurt.